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Mar. 17th, 2022 11:31 amTēnā koutoa! This is the te reo (Māori language) for hello to three or more people! Not even sure I have three or more people on here. I’ve had 21 years at livejournal, forgive me for being too used to that interface!
I just wanted to post 1. To say I’m here and 2. To practice some self compassion! I’ve been so terrible to myself for so long I can’t believe at 37 years old I’m having to unlearn being so cruel and unforgiving with myself. I know I wouldn’t even dare to even say 10% of the things I’ve said to myself to anyone else, no matter how much I didn’t like them or disagreed with something that they said or did.
I’ve been on a low dose of escitolopram for just over a year now. I can’t believe that the noise in my head could be so easily dampened down. It’s without that constant self doubt and arguing that I’ve been able to function and think and actually start to feel strategic about myself and my life. I’m like how the hell didn’t I have a breakdown earlier? Anyway it was a year on 11 March that I resigned from INZ and another month on top since I had my breakdown. I remember in the midst of it thinking I would never be the same. And yes, I am not the same but it’s pretty much all positive. It fucking sucks I literally had to have a mental break at the Ministry of fucking Employment to realise this, but if I hadn’t I probably would have still been in that constant battle with myself and my anxiety everyday. I am still having some adjustments and working through the fact that I literally crippled myself for so long by not practicing self compassion and not focusing on me and what I wanted or didn’t and just instead running away constantly. I realise some anxiety was good to get things done and sometimes I’m so unworried about consequences that I struggle to get things done. I’ve been seeing a well-being coach and talking through it to make sure that while my anxiety is in check that I don’t go the other way with low moods. I think I also just got to accept sometimes you just feel low, for no reason! You have off days and that’s okay and no Jo, you aren’t going to have another breakdown. Don’t overthink it. Don’t be hard on yourself. Get through that day and see how the next goes.
I’m in Wellington today as we figured Whanganui would be quiet for St Patrick’s Day. We are coming back tomorrow for a Whanganui party too. I used to be really stuck on the idea people didn’t like me (how could they if you despise yourself so personally) but all our friends travel the 2.5 hours for our parties! I also think having Neipa and Awa helps, just that non judgement and unconditional love that animals can give you.
Anyway, I guess the main takeaway and just me going I did it! You got a job you love, you own an insanely large house where you’ve grown some awesome things like courgettes and tomatoes and eggplants, you have the most awesome dog, you live in a region with such a great climate that it’s still 22 degrees in March and you are loved.
I just wanted to post 1. To say I’m here and 2. To practice some self compassion! I’ve been so terrible to myself for so long I can’t believe at 37 years old I’m having to unlearn being so cruel and unforgiving with myself. I know I wouldn’t even dare to even say 10% of the things I’ve said to myself to anyone else, no matter how much I didn’t like them or disagreed with something that they said or did.
I’ve been on a low dose of escitolopram for just over a year now. I can’t believe that the noise in my head could be so easily dampened down. It’s without that constant self doubt and arguing that I’ve been able to function and think and actually start to feel strategic about myself and my life. I’m like how the hell didn’t I have a breakdown earlier? Anyway it was a year on 11 March that I resigned from INZ and another month on top since I had my breakdown. I remember in the midst of it thinking I would never be the same. And yes, I am not the same but it’s pretty much all positive. It fucking sucks I literally had to have a mental break at the Ministry of fucking Employment to realise this, but if I hadn’t I probably would have still been in that constant battle with myself and my anxiety everyday. I am still having some adjustments and working through the fact that I literally crippled myself for so long by not practicing self compassion and not focusing on me and what I wanted or didn’t and just instead running away constantly. I realise some anxiety was good to get things done and sometimes I’m so unworried about consequences that I struggle to get things done. I’ve been seeing a well-being coach and talking through it to make sure that while my anxiety is in check that I don’t go the other way with low moods. I think I also just got to accept sometimes you just feel low, for no reason! You have off days and that’s okay and no Jo, you aren’t going to have another breakdown. Don’t overthink it. Don’t be hard on yourself. Get through that day and see how the next goes.
I’m in Wellington today as we figured Whanganui would be quiet for St Patrick’s Day. We are coming back tomorrow for a Whanganui party too. I used to be really stuck on the idea people didn’t like me (how could they if you despise yourself so personally) but all our friends travel the 2.5 hours for our parties! I also think having Neipa and Awa helps, just that non judgement and unconditional love that animals can give you.
Anyway, I guess the main takeaway and just me going I did it! You got a job you love, you own an insanely large house where you’ve grown some awesome things like courgettes and tomatoes and eggplants, you have the most awesome dog, you live in a region with such a great climate that it’s still 22 degrees in March and you are loved.
